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Thread: Post up Good Jokes!

  1. #651
    Member js197's Avatar
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    By 2030 you will own no house, you will own no Mustang. You will be happy about it because I told you to be.

    Fearless Leader - Mrs. Justina T.

    S197 Mustang GT Convertible Ford Racing 3.73 Gears / JLT CAI / Steeda UDPs / SCT SF3 Tuner / Ford Racing Axle Back Exhaust
    SOLD

  2. #652
    Posting and liking.... Ponyryd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by js197 View Post
    By 2030 you will own no house, you will own no Mustang. You will be happy about it because I told you to be.

    Fearless Leader - Mrs. Justina T.
    Sounds like nonsense to me...

  3. #653
    Club Supporter Old Fart's Avatar
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    Good Night’s Sleep

    We were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. We decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so we voted to take turns.

    The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

    We said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

    The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

    We said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

    The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. We couldn't believe it. We said, "Man, what happened?"

    He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

    With age comes wisdom.
    Mike

    04 GT
    89 LX...bye-bye!!
    67 Cougar x 2...should have kept them!

  4. #654
    Club Supporter Old Fart's Avatar
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    An X-Files Christmas

    24. December 1999 - 57 Elm Street, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania - 11:51P.M.

    Scully, we're too late. It's already been here.

    Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.

    Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stocking hung by the chimney with care.

    You really think someone's been here?

    Someone, or something.

    Mulder, over here, It's fruitcake.

    Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal!

    There's a note attached: "gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

    It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

    Who? What are you talking about?

    Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year just after the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

    But that's legend, Mulder, a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?

    Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive and in a hurry.

    It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder this milk glass has been completely drained.

    It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

    But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

    Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

    But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

    Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

    Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide; nothing could get through there.

    But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?

    You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

    Exactly. ...Scully, I've never told anyone this but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshaped head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away and, when I looked back, it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

    Impossible.

    I know what I saw. And that night, it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head.

    I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out they'll close the X-files.

    Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake. But we have no proof.

    Last year on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected a bogey in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a condition red.

    But that was a meteor shower.

    Officially. Two days ago eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington D.C. Nobody, not even the zookeeper was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle.

    They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake.. They'll do what ever it takes to insure another silent night.

    Mulder...

    Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear? On the roof. It sounds like ... a clatter.

    The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter....
    Mike

    04 GT
    89 LX...bye-bye!!
    67 Cougar x 2...should have kept them!

  5. #655
    Member Mellow Yellow's Avatar
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  6. #656
    Club Supporter Old Fart's Avatar
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    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this, "and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... (dramatic pause toprepare for the punch line....)

    It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
    Mike

    04 GT
    89 LX...bye-bye!!
    67 Cougar x 2...should have kept them!

  7. #657
    Admin ZR's Avatar
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    Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

    Officer: Age?

    Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

    Officer: Height?

    Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

    OFFICER : Weight?

    Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

    OFFICER : Color of eyes?

    Husband: Sort of brown I think.

    OFFICER : Color of hair?

    Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

    OFFICER : What was she wearing?

    Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

    OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

    Husband: She went in my truck.

    OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

    Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera,
    Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch,
    sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.
    It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
    At this point the husband started choking up.

    OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck.

  8. #658
    Club Supporter Old Fart's Avatar
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    Mike

    04 GT
    89 LX...bye-bye!!
    67 Cougar x 2...should have kept them!

  9. #659
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  10. #660
    Member Mellow Yellow's Avatar
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