Post up Good Jokes!

[KIDAGIN]

A father walks into a market with his young son.
The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts
choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the
quarter, he starts panicking , shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking
woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee
bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a
cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she
looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the
counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across
the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully
takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to
squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently
and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly
catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman
hands the coin to the father and walks back to her
seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no
lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the
woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
No," the woman replies, "I work for Revenue
Canada."

[Styrofoam04]

^^^ Ha Ha Good one doug

[Windjammer]

100 yr. old Twin sisters in a Newfie Nursing Home


Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.." So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS! "

With a big grin the deaf twin whispered, "BOTH OF US????"

[Windjammer]

This couple have been married for 50 years. The husband comes home from a day fishing trip and is horny as hell. He strips down his wife and goes down on her. He says to his wife we have been together for 50 years and you used to taste so sweet, but now it just doesn’t taste right, what has happened. His wife replies it is because of my arthritis. OK he says and carries on.

A few days he is horned up again and strips down his wife and goes down on her. He says Honey you told me the change in taste is from your arthritis, but how can that be?

She replies, even since I got arthritis I havent been able to wipe my ass from the back, so I have to wipe it from the front. That is why it tastes different.

[Windjammer]

One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Fred he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Fred is. He can't help himself, and asks Fred what his secret is. "Well," says Fred, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Fred? Is that you?"

[Windjammer]

A cop stopped a guy for speeding. “May I see your driver’s license?”
“I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth drunk driving charge.”
“May I see your ownership and registration please?”
“It’s not my car. I stole it.”
“The car is stolen?”
“That’s right. But I think I saw the ownership and registration in the glove box when I was putting the gun in there.”
“There’s a gun in the glove box?”
“Yes sir. That’s where I put it after killed the guy who owns this car and stuffed him in the trunk.”
“There’s a body in the trunk!?!”
“Yes sir.”
Soon car was surrounded by police, and a police sergeant approached the driver. “Sir, can I see your license, ownership and registration?”
The driver gave it all to him. All was in order. The sergeant said, “Whose car is this?”
“It’s mine, officer.”
“Can you open the glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in there?”
The driver opened the glove box. There was no gun. The sergeant said, “Would you mind opening the trunk? I was told there was a body in there.”
The driver opened the trunk – there was no body. The sergeant said, “I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you didn’t have a license, you stole the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and a body in the trunk.”

“Yeah,” said the driver, “and I bet the lying S.O.B. said I was speeding too.”

[Windjammer]

A cop stopped a guy for speeding. “May I see your driver’s license?”
“I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth drunk driving charge.”
“May I see your ownership and registration please?”
“It’s not my car. I stole it.”
“The car is stolen?”
“That’s right. But I think I saw the ownership and registration in the glove box when I was putting the gun in there.”
“There’s a gun in the glove box?”
“Yes sir. That’s where I put it after killed the guy who owns this car and stuffed him in the trunk.”
“There’s a body in the trunk!?!”
“Yes sir.”
Soon car was surrounded by police, and a police sergeant approached the driver. “Sir, can I see your license, ownership and registration?”
The driver gave it all to him. All was in order. The sergeant said, “Whose car is this?”
“It’s mine, officer.”
“Can you open the glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in there?”
The driver opened the glove box. There was no gun. The sergeant said, “Would you mind opening the trunk? I was told there was a body in there.”
The driver opened the trunk – there was no body. The sergeant said, “I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you didn’t have a license, you stole the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and a body in the trunk.”

“Yeah,” said the driver, “and I bet the lying S.O.B. said I was speeding too.”


A TRIP TO Costco!
> >
> > Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
> > for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
> > when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> >
> > What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
> > little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
> > starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because
> > I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
> > awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
> > orifices and IVs in both arms.
> >
> > I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
> > works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
> > or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
> > it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here
> > that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
> > Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
> > poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff
> > an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

[needboost]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.

Never assume that your Mum doesn't know!!!!

[ZR]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

[KIDAGIN]

Three woman had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the
early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an
early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight
home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew
Chunks."

To which the second girl replied, "You think *that* was drunk? I got
into my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the
first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home,
got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the
whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first girl says:
"Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."