Loading...
|
Likes: 1,228
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away
from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at
her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I
won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of
money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to
open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming
and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The
president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he
asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where
did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president
then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for
example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
balls are square." The president laughs, "That's a stupid bet. You can never
win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take
my bet?" The president agrees, "Sure, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't
square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a
witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side,
again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there
was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her
lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000
says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet
again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and
then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,
"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against
the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with
your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am
today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Oldie but goldie Doug.
A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running
around having fun, kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she asks.
'Yes,' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..
The boy looks at her incredulously and says:
"Because I'm the fuckin' goal keeper you idiot !!!"
A man is complaining to a friend: “I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle, the love of a beautiful woman. Then it was all gone!”
“What happened?” asks the friend.
“My wife found out!” replied the man.
^^^yup, that'll do it!
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant,
"I am officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who the fuck is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
A platoon of Canadian troops were marching north of
Khandahar when they came upon a Taliban insurgent
badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite
side of the road, was a Canadian soldier in a similar
but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert. As first aid
was given to both men, the soldier was asked what had
happened. The soldier reported:
"I was heavily armed and moving north along this
highway and coming south was that heavily armed
Taliban insurgent. Seeing each other we both took
cover. I called to him that Osama bin Laden was a
miserable low-life, scumbag, and he yelled back that
Kathleen Wynne is a rich, good-for-nothing, lying,
windbag."
"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck
hit us."
LOL
Kathleen Wynne is a rich, good-for-nothing, lying,
windbag."
"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck
hit us."
A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job." The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?" The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell." The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is." The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long." The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and says "Ready!" The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long." The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job." The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat." He got the job.
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote