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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried
once more, and this time she had 5 more children. Finally, she passed away herself.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above,
thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled His commandmant to
"Go forth and multiply." In his final eulogy, the preacher noted,
"Thank you, Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
The other mourner replied, "I think he means her legs."
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant,
"I am officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who the fuck is Kathleen Wynne?"
OH SNAP..........home run Doug.
A platoon of Canadian troops were marching north of
Khandahar when they came upon a Taliban insurgent
badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite
side of the road, was a Canadian soldier in a similar
but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert. As first aid
was given to both men, the soldier was asked what had
happened. The soldier reported:
"I was heavily armed and moving north along this
highway and coming south was that heavily armed
Taliban insurgent. Seeing each other we both took
cover. I called to him that Osama bin Laden was a
miserable low-life, scumbag, and he yelled back that
Kathleen Wynne is a rich, good-for-nothing, lying,
windbag."
"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck
hit us."
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