Post up Good Jokes!

[ZR]

Last Saturday afternoon, in Ottawa an aide to PM Justin Trudeau visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Ottawa. He told the Cardinal that PM Justin Trudeau would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Trudeau to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Trudeau a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Trudeau's views.”







Trudeau's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a cheque here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Trudeau as a saint."




The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."




As Trudeau's aide promised, Trudeau appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the centre aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Trudeau was present. The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While PM Trudeau's presence is probably an honour to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favourite personages. Some of his views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Justin Trudeau is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Justin Trudeau is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. He also has a reputation for shirking his MP obligations, both In Ottawa and in Quebec. The man is simply not to be trusted."





The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Kathleen Wynne, Trudeau is a saint."

[SVOMACH1]

Diary of a Snow Shoveller



December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again! What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man - I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of stupid snow last night. More shoveling. Took all day. That stupid snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the restroom. By the time I got undressed, went and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6" today. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the jerk who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at about 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that stupid snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THAT WOMAN is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[ZR]

[Mellow Yellow]

Likely a rerun.....but I like it!



The Wife
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."


The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"


The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '


The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "


I love this part.......




"Only when he's been drinking."

[mavrrrick]

^^^^^ omg^^^^

Sent from my Moto G Play using Tapatalk

[ZR]

[mavrrrick]

^^^^ one class act he was!!!

Sent from my Moto G Play using Tapatalk

[CDNfyrfytr]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ZR]

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A: They don't have balls to scratch.

[Mellow Yellow]

A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets
call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in
the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a
typical Scottish baby boy, weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at
25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average
up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Highland
baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender
says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby,
That weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's
been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What Happened?
He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker whisky,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and
proudly says,

"Had him circumcised."


God Bless The Scots!