Post up Good Jokes!

[js197]

I am 31 years old and going bald. I dont know how this happened. I asked my wife what I should do about it to look better.

She says start exercising and get in shape cause right now you are a -3 (fat and bald). at least if you were just bald (-1) you wouldnt look so bad..

turns out bald is -1
fat is -1

but somehow fat and bald = -3 according to my thin blond wife..

however if I had a nicer car I could bump it right back up to a solid 2.

if i take her back to disney I might hit a 3 and if I learn how to be a nicer person and keep being a good husband and father I might one day be a 4.

true story..


Sounds like too much work Im just going just get the car..

[92redragtop]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically unromantic, replied,

"I am in the toilet. Please advise..

[WTF]

A 76-year-old Hamilton man has been arrested after allegedly asking a young boy to engage in sexual activity inside a YMCA change room.

Police say on March 7, a young boy was approached by a man inside a YMCA change room at 79 James St. South in Hamilton.

The boy, who is under the age of 16, was asked by a man if he wanted to engage in sexual activity.

The alleged incident happened between the hours of 8:30 p.m. and 9:30 p.m.

The YMCA immediately suspended the male’s membership when the incident was reported to police.

Bonar Hunter, 76, was arrested on March 22 and is charged with invitation to sexual touching.

The Hamilton Police Service believes that there may be more victims who have had contact with Bonar Hunter. Anyone with information is asked to contact Detective Harold Harris at 905-540-6253.

[mavrrrick]

Liberal government.

Sent from my Moto G Play using Tapatalk

[Old Fart]

Hard to laugh at that one...

A 76-year-old Hamilton man has been arrested after allegedly asking a young boy to engage in sexual activity inside a YMCA change room.

Police say on March 7, a young boy was approached by a man inside a YMCA change room at 79 James St. South in Hamilton.

The boy, who is under the age of 16, was asked by a man if he wanted to engage in sexual activity.

The alleged incident happened between the hours of 8:30 p.m. and 9:30 p.m.

The YMCA immediately suspended the male’s membership when the incident was reported to police.

Bonar Hunter, 76, was arrested on March 22 and is charged with invitation to sexual touching.

The Hamilton Police Service believes that there may be more victims who have had contact with Bonar Hunter. Anyone with information is asked to contact Detective Harold Harris at 905-540-6253.

[RedSN]

Did the police actually check his ID? or birth certificate?
That sounds like a prank call name



I actually had to verify the story myself.
http://www.chch.com/hamilton-man-fac...incident-ymca/

[Mellow Yellow]

An Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly, there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of her wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde unzipped a pocket on her right sleeve and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Truly fantastic!" At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too!"

[ZR]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.”

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?

[ZR]

Three men were talking about what their children would be saying about them thirty years from now.
"I would like my children to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.
"Thirty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."
Turning to the third man, the first one asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in thirty years?"
"Me?" the third man replied, "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age'!"

[ZR]

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo !

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, �That�s so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole !"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client ?"

Officer responds, �Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make ?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer ?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile ?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole ?"

Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do.

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client ?