Post up Good Jokes!

[ZR]

Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[ZR]

[ZR]

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a
very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to
take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the
table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and
climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks
what that was all about.

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a
vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and
that the cord is easier
for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery
safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a
window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you
have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

[ZR]

[ZR]

[Stephen06GT]

[TheMustangShow]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_c...&v=K6iT2GIXRIs

LOL BJ!

[ZR]

What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

[ZR]

A farmer in Wisconsin stopped by his local garage to have his truck fixed.

The mechanic couldn't do the job while he waited, so the farmer said he didn't live far away and would just walk home.

On the way, he stopped at the Hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and bought a couple of live chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he realised he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who said she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm's very close to that address. I'd be very happy to walk you there ... but as you can see I've got my hands full and I can't carry all this stuff."

The old lady then suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket; carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm; and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why didn't I think of that?" said the farmer. "Thank you very much, ma'am."

He then proceeded to walk the old girl back to her home.

On the way, he said, "Let's take a short cut I know and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked at him cautiously, then said, "You must remember I'm a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your wicked way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy Smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Well, put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the tin of paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

[ZR]

A husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

Wife: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

Husband: 'Definitely not!'

Wife: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

Husband: 'Of course I do.'

Wife: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

Husband: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

Wife: ' You would? (with a hurt look)

Husband: Groans

Wife: 'Would you live in our house?'

Husband: 'Sure. It's a great house.'

Wife: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

Husband: 'Where else would we sleep?'

Wife: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

Husband: 'Probably. It is almost new.'

Wife: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

Husband: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

Wife: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

Husband: 'No.. I'm sure she'd want her own.'

Wife: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'

Husband: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'

Wife: 'Would she use my clubs?'

Husband: 'No. She's left-handed.'


Wife: - silence -



Husband: ' . . . Oh Shit.' - -