Post up Good Jokes!

[Old Fart]

[Old Fart]

[ZR]

Missing wife

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!

[Old Fart]

[ZR]

Fourth Place;

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

His elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,

I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'


Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over..

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'


Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day

To confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too

Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jay-bird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal

[Ponyryd]

A dude moves into a small town and is riding down main st scoping chicks with His new best friend when he see's this yummy little blonde chick with big tits and says hey, hey check that out! His new buddy grew up in the small town and knows everyone, tells him don't mess with her, that's the sheriff's daughter. The new guy in town says , oh ah OK then.

The two get down the road a little further and the new guy see's a little brunette chick and says, hey, hey man! Check that out! The brunette, check her out! The kid that knows everyone say's don't mess with her either! The new guy says let me guess, she's the mayors daughter? The kid that grew up in the small town says, no everyone says she's got a dick. The new guy in town says, man there ain't no fucking way, I'm gonna ask her out and find out!

So the new guy in town figures he'll take her out in the woods in his Jeep, drink some beers and sooner or later she'll have to go to the bathroom and he will find out! So he asks her out, she says yes and they're out in the woods in his Jeep drinking some beers and sure enough she finally says she's gotta use the bathroom! The new guy in town tells her, hell we're out in the middle of the woods, just get out and go to the bathroom, nobody will see you. She says, are you sure? He says yes I'm sure, so she walks around to the back of the Jeep and squats down and he sneaks around to the front of the Jeep and is looking underneath the Jeep and see's something hanging between her legs, so he runs around the back of the Jeep and grabs it! She looks at him and says, you know I wouldn't have went out with you if I knew you were a pervert!. He says I wouldn't have gotten out of the Jeep if I knew you were taking a shit!

[Chinga]

The electric fence and the lawnmower..
We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard some thieving Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 12.5 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to a piece of round rod, and sunk the ground rod 7.5 feet into the limestone..The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in June, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I'm mowing the yard with my 5 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in “for me”....How very thoughtful of her.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time.......stood........still..........
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and damn lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences ... but Grandpa always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of June , 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own front yard , begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
Yesterday changed my life.
I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.

[RedSN]

^^^those HD electric fencers are no joke.

My father used to have 100 +/- head of cattle. Had a water trough in one of the pastures near the barn that was kept full with a float valve. Now, cattle are assholes by nature you see, and like to lick and mess with the float valve, and ultimately break them. So my father would place the water trough straddling the electric fence so the end where the float valve was located was out of reach of the cattle.

One day, my father and I are cleaning the algae out of the water trough, when my elbow brushes up against the fence. I go numb, spin, and fall into the trough. Hurt like hell! And now I’m soaking wet. My father is laughing his ass off! Finally, he lends me a hand to help me out. But then his leg touches the fence by mistake. Keep in mind I am soaked, sitting in a metal trough, and well grounded now. We both got a shock of our life!

I can still hear the sound of that *snap*.

[MUSTANGWOP]

^^^those HD electric fencers are no joke.

My father used to have 100 +/- head of cattle. Had a water trough in one of the pastures near the barn that was kept full with a float valve. Now, cattle are assholes by nature you see, and like to lick and mess with the float valve, and ultimately break them. So my father would place the water trough straddling the electric fence so the end where the float valve was located was out of reach of the cattle.

One day, my father and I are cleaning the algae out of the water trough, when my elbow brushes up against the fence. I go numb, spin, and fall into the trough. Hurt like hell! And now I’m soaking wet. My father is laughing his ass off! Finally, he lends me a hand to help me out. But then his leg touches the fence by mistake. Keep in mind I am soaked, sitting in a metal trough, and well grounded now. We both got a shock of our life!

I can still hear the sound of that *snap*.

That's right up there with Jumpy's squirrel story

[ZR]

^ Jumpys story = classic