Post up Good Jokes!

[Mellow Yellow]

One fine day in Ireland a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across a little guy with a huge bump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. 'Goodness', says the golfer, and revives the poor little guy. Upon awakening the little guy says, Well you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I wil grant you three wishes. I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad i didn't hurt you too badly says the guy and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says Well he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me, so i have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that i would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life.
A year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course on the number 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says I'm fine. And might i ask how your golf game is ?
It's great ! I hit under par every time.'
'I did that for you. And might i ask how your money is holding out ?
'Thats the amazing thing, everytime i put my hand in my pocket I pull out a hundred dollar note.'
'I did that for you. And might i ask how your sex life is?
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, Well maybe once or twice a week.'
Floored the leprechaun stammers, 'Only once or twice a week ?
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.��������️*♂️��️*♂️��️*♀️��️*♀️⛳⛳������

[Mellow Yellow]

A young woman has been taking golf lessons. She has just started playing her first round of golf when she suffers a bee sting. The pain is so intense that she decides to return to the club house.
Her golf pro sees her come into the clubhouse and asks,' 'Why are you back in so early ? What's wrong ?
' I was stung by a bee.'
' Where?' he asks.
'Between the first and second hole,' she replies.
He nods knowingly and says, ' Apparently your stance is too wide.'

[Old Fart]

[Old Fart]

[Old Fart]

After a particularly rough flight, the airliner pilot addresses his passengers: "The turbulence we passed through was rough, but we are through it now." The pilot was unaware that his PA switch was stuck on, and leaned over to the co-pilot and said "Boy, was that rough! What I need now is a hot woman and a cold beer." A flight attendant in the rear of the aircraft heard this, and ran forward to warn the pilot. As she neared the cockpit, an elderly woman passenger stopped her saying "Don't forget the beer!"

[Old Fart]

RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE....

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays..

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake,"

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!

[Mellow Yellow]

A couple who met at their local Golf Club both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[Old Fart]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million dollars. His bookkeeper is deaf, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.


The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!


The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?


Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"


The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Tell him if he doesn't reveal where the money is I'll kill him!"


The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."


Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.


The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"


The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[Mellow Yellow]

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[Mellow Yellow]

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