Post up Good Jokes!

[Old Fart]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place...
First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word!
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"
Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, wear sun-block!

[Old Fart]

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited, 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk, 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

[Old Fart]

[Mellow Yellow]

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[Old Fart]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Canadian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife four times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Canadian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

[Old Fart]

A few months ago, there was a job opening with the CIA as a secret "hit man". These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants trough the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, but only one position was available.

So the day came for the final test to see which man would get the job. The CIA men took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained, "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man, horrified, said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

They bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. Go through the same spiel. The second man looked shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried but, I couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun, same spiel.

The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed, the CIA heard the gun firing. One shot after another. Then all hell broke loose in the room-- screaming, crashing, banging on the walls for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened. The third man wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat her to death with the chair!

[Chinga]

Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle,’ he said.

'It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates,' Saint Peter said.

The Marine pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said, 'They had a ring to them; you may pass through the pearly gates.’

The Air Force pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

He replied, 'These are Carols.' And so, my friends, the Christmas Season Begins...….

[Old Fart]

A young man from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look down at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid says "$101, 237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a some fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ram."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy some fish hooks and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

[Old Fart]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife...


She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my panty-hose.' He removed them gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

[Old Fart]

My wife found a big cockroach in the kitchen yesterday. She took all the dishes out of all the cabinets and scrubbed them and repapered them. Same with the fridge, emptied it and scrubbed it. Scrubbed the floors and rewashed all the dishes and silverware.
Next week I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom...