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Post up Good Jokes!
Quitting Using a Patch
Two priests are in a bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other's penis and notices a Nicorette patch on it.
He says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your shoulder, not your penis.'
The other priest replies, 'It's working fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
bazinga!
-Don____________
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on
a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she
in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'get your own f*cking blanket!'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
^^^^Lol!
~Scott B
Today I was beaten up by a woman... I was in the elevator when that busty lady (above) got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, "Would you please press 1?"
So I did....................... and I don't remember much afterwards.
They tell me my injuries will heal in time.
Sal Weinstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU. Sal told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up, he realized that he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself."
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU. It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
For the rest of her life, she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver. She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."
Sal broke down and sobbed.
The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
Melbourne's Control Tower
cid:1.27255067@web87406.mail.ir2.yahoo.com
You pilots will enjoy this. Victorians can be so polite!
Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 - You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne - Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R –
Allah be Praised."
Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne - Acknowldege cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."
Pause....
Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"
Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we all said "Hi".
The prescription...
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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