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There is some jokes collected from students essay writing:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
^^^ Mitch Hedberg is awesome!! A great comedian lost way too soon.
The Cardiologist:
A Vehicle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a vehicle when he spotted a
well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the vehicle .
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So, Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged and then put everything back in; then, when I was finished, it worked just like new.
So, how is it that I make $54,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.
"Try doing it with the engine running."
INNISFIL, Ont. -- He doesn't appear to have used that brain the Wizard gave him.
Police say officers dispatched to a fight call early Saturday in Innisfil, Ont., found a man dressed as the Tin Man from "The Wizard of Oz" being treated for injuries.
South Simcoe police say witnesses at the Stroud Arena -- who were dressed as Dorothy, Glinda the Good Witch and the Wicked Witch of the East -- said the Tin Man had been punched by his friend the Scarecrow.
In a release, police say "the Scarecrow didn't have the brains to stick around, and ran away with the Cowardly Lion."
Turns out "the Tin Man didn't have the heart to lay charges against his friend, and refused to tell the officers anything." He was treated for minor injuries.
Police say they believe alcohol was involved.
Definitely a 'Good Joke'
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toront...lege-1.3300773Quote:
"Sometimes, our officers see things that are hard to believe."
CBC Toronto has attempted to reach South Simcoe police for more details about the case, though the officer in charge of the investigation was not immediately available.
Yeah, I'm finding it a bit hard to believe. No names, no pics ....didn't happen.
^LOL!
Here's one:
Bob walked into a sports bar at 9:58PM. He sat down next to a gorgeous blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed over her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too.. but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'